Metal Gear Stupid: The Movie
by Sons of Ocelot
Summary: Parody of MGS1. Based on a movie script written by my friend Cody and I. Rated for some explicit language, violence, tobacco use, and an alcohol reference later. Any comments and critisisms please let me know. Section 4 is up! Reviews are appreciated.
1. Briefing

Authors Note and Disclaimer: Please refer to previous chapter.

* * *

_"Yes, that must be the place."_, thought Snake.

He stared up at the small blue building. It was two stories tall and heavily guarded.

"One, Two, Three, Shoot…ha I win again," shouted one of the guards to another. They were playing Rock, Paper, Scissors.

"Awe, c'mon Jim that isn't fair," whined the second.

"Of course it is Bob, it's the ultimate weapon," exclaimed Jim holding out his hand with his thumb and first two fingers out and the ring and pinky fingers curled.

_"Ok, it might be heavily guarded but they are seriously retarded,"_ thought Snake, _"I mean everyone knows that the ultimate weapon is a legal RPS move. That was one of the first things Big Boss taught me before I incinerated him,"_.

RING! RING!

Snake jumped at the sound of his codec ringing. After he collected himself he knelt down and answered the thing.

"Snake, are you there, Snake, Snaaaaaaaa…"

"Yes, Colonel, I'm here dammit, now quit yelling at me," came the operatives response.

"Oh, eh sorry about that, anyways. Snake you know the basics of this mission right?"

"I have to infiltrate this place, right?"

"Right…your mission is to infiltrate the facility without anyone seeing you, then find out if the terrorists have the ability to launch a nuclear strike," stated Colonel Roy Campbell.

"Alright sounds good just let me get my FAMAS assault rifle out and…hey! Dammit Colonel where the hell are all of my weapons!?"

"Ugh, Snake we already went over this in Zanzibar Land…we use Procure On Site Weapons Acquisition tactics. Mainly because we couldn't afford any weapons or food for you after we made the necessary purchases for the mission control base here,".

"You mean the outrageous cable bill that you racked up after ordering all that Pay-Per-View porn of yours,".

"No that was in Zanzibar, remember. This time is different. We had to buy that important big screen television, the even more important sofa, and that mansion that we rented in Hawaii for us to operate out of. And speaking of Zanzibar…Snake?"

"What!!!" asked Snake who was starting to get highly agitated.

"Do you remember during the Zanzibar incident when you crawled through the air vents to get inside…that was awesome…or when you used that cardboard box to pose as cargo…or when you fought Big Boss and had no weapon so you went in all of those doors to find the card keys and then used that spray can and that cool Zippo lighter to barbecue him…or that gun that Holly gave you that had unlimited ammunition…,"

Campbell continued running on like that for a solid ten minutes.

"It actually kind of reminds me of that time I went to Vegas with him. Big Boss was always a ladies man. He could always hook up with the hottest girls. I couldn't though so he bought me a cheap hooker…it was awesome till I found out I have herpes, gonorrhea, and crabs…,".

"**CAMPBELL, SHUT THE FUCK UP!**" screamed Snake, "I don't give a damn about the monkeys at the zoo, your puppy that died when you were nine, or your crabs. I just want to get this damn mission over with cause right about now I'm missing "The Super Mario Brothers Super Show" for this,".

"Well I was only monologing," explained Campbell.

"I'm the only one who is allowed to do that from now on, OK. Damn it's no wonder everybody skips the damn cut scenes.

* * *

Well there it is. The first section of the movie script transformed into a fan fiction chapter. I hope to update this every couple of nights or so, so be sure to check back.

Sons of Ocelot


	2. Infiltration

**Authors note and Disclaimer: refer to ch. 1**

* * *

Snake sat in silence while he waited for an opportunity to sneak past the guards. Even though they were somewhat retarded they would undoubtedly call for backup if they spotted him, and after only a few minutes his opportunity presented itself.

"Ugh, I don't feel so good," stated Bob, "must've been those burritos we had for lunch,".

"Yeah, I ain't feeling too good myself," replied Jim.

"HQ," began Bob who was now talking on his radio.

"This is HQ," came the radios' response.

"This is Bob and Jim, the two inept guards who are watching the main entrance, we need to go to the bathroom,".

"Ok well, alright, it's not like some highly skilled black ops soldier is waiting for you two to leave your post so he can get in here. So go ahead and go, but I suggest against using the first floor bathroom. It's burrito day and you guys know what that does to Sasaki,".

"Ugh, yuck, roger that HQ," finished Bob.

"Hey Bob, do you remember that game called BattleShits from the Harold and Kumar movie?" asked Jim.

Bob nodded.

"I bet I can beat you at it,".

"In your dreams buddy," and with that the two men ran off into the base.

Snake waited a moment then bolted in after them.

Once he was inside Snake began to explore the first floor a little bit and found a pair of old binoculars. Just as he found them though he heard a toilet flush on the other side of a door. In an attempt to avoid being seen he tried to go back where he came but found that Jim had resumed his post. In a moment Snake noticed a set of stairs leading to the second floor, and just as he reached them the bathroom door opened.

"HQ, this is Sasaki," the soldier stated, "I'm retuning to the base computer lab,".

Snake rushed up the remaining stairs and darted into a room to his left. He found a handgun and a cardboard box. Before he could celebrate the finding of his new box though he heard footsteps coming up the stairs and the soldier named Sasakis' voice.

"Wow, I feel a lot better now. Damn, burrito day always gives me the craps,".

Sasaki took a quick look inside the room Snake was in, but the former FOXHOUND operative had taken refuge in his new found friend, the box. Deciding that nothing was out of place Sasaki walked off into another room adjacent to Snakes'.

Once Snake heard the door that the terrorist had walked through close, he made his way out of the room under the cover of the box. However, he forgot about the stairs and tumbled down them landing with a loud thud in a heap at the foot of them.

Snake carefully picked himself up and inspected his precious box. It had a small tear in it, but could still be used so he put it over himself and proceeded to inspect the rest of the first floor. As he moved past the door to the bathroom he came into a kitchen and decided to look for some food, but found nothing except a note:

"_Sorry Revolver, I ate the last bit of food we had. I had the munchies this morning and there was no way I was going to eat the burritos they served today. I advise you to not eat them either because I snuck in and put some laxatives in them as a joke. Liquid."_

Ignoring this, Snake decided to go through a backdoor that led outside. Upon exiting the building he spotted Bob, the inept faceless guard from the main entrance, having a smoke. That was when he got his first good look at how heavily armed these guards were.

He placed his hand to his ear and called up Campbell to relay the information:

"Colonel, these guys are pretty well armed. They're all carrying five-five sixers, a combat knife, and pineapples."

As he finished his sentence, Snake saw Bob put out his smoke and pull out his pineapple. He then proceeded to take his knife and started to cut himself a slice of it.

As Bob enjoyed the slice of pineapple he had just cut for himself, Snake couldn't help but sneeze when he inhaled a bit of dust. Bob heard him and gave chase. Snake quickly threw off his box, and ran back into the base and into the first floor bathroom with Bob close behind him. As Snake entered, he hid in the shower behind the curtain. When Bob came in he simply asked no one in particular: "Where did he go?"

Deciding that he had lost the operative the guard unzipped his pants and proceeded to urinate. When he finished he just walked out and acted as though he had never seen Snake.

Snake pulled himself out of the shower and glanced at the toilet. _"Eww, now that is just gross," _he thought, so he flushed it.

"What was that noise?" asked Bob again to no one in particular as he walked back to the bathroom. Upon spotting Snake again he held up a big sign with an exclamation point on it which reminded Snake of a Wile E. Coyote cartoon, but before Bob could chase him again the black ops soldier put two bullets in his chest.

Bob fell over onto the ground and spazzed out for a few seconds before dying and his body disappeared.

Satisfied with himself, Snake again went out the backdoor of the base to continue his search for clues.

* * *

Ok, well what did you all think of that? I know it's a bit short but it's 3am and I'm tired so that is where I am stopping for now. I should have another section up very soon. So be sure to check back. Happy reading and writing,

Sons of Ocelot


	3. Things you shouldn't do in a gunfight

Hey everyone! I guess that if you're reading this you have either hacked my computer or I finally decided to update this fic/movie script. If it's the latter I want to thank you for being so patient with me. Anyways this is the third installment of this little project incase your were keeping track and I hope that you like it.

* * *

As Snake walked around the outside of the base he heard someone's voice coming from the west of his current position. Noticing a shed nearby, he snuck a peek around the corner of it to see who was talking.

A man in a stupid looking beret was talking on his radio:

"What do you mean you ate all the food you blonde, British, bastard!…I don't give a damn how good a prank it was you still ate all of my ramen noodles…Well you're an asshole!…I have to go now. It seems our friend is here," and with that the man put his radio back onto his belt loop.

"So we finally meet Solid Snake,".

"Uhm, do I know you?"

"Not yet but once you know my name you'll already be dead,". Upon making his last statement the guy in the beret removed a revolver from its' holster, "The Colt Single Action Army, quite possibly the best handgun ever made,".

"Six shots," remarked Snake, "enough to kill anything that moves,".

"Hey…that's my line," seethed the man. He attempted to twirl the gun on his finger but he dropped it, "damn!"

He tried again but came up with the same result.

"Dude you can't twirl for shit," laughed the legendary FOXHOUNDER.

The beret guy was furious at that remark, "now I'll show you why they call me Revolver Ocelot!"

He shot two rounds off at Snake but missed, as the operative ducked back behind a tree.

In the safety of the tree Snake got a call from Campbell on his codec:

"Snake that guy is Revolver Ocelot,".

"Well no shit Sherlock, he just told me that".

"Oh…well anyways he was one of the best gunfighters of Spetznaz back in the 60's,".

"WAS?"

"Yeah, was…since he left that outfit his gun skills have seriously deteriorated and he went bankrupt in the 80's because Big Boss wouldn't hire him. So he had to sell most of his gun collection, including two custom made SAA's, to pay his debts,".

"That sucks,".

"Kinda…,".

"So yeah, uh, why hasn't he come over here yet and shot me about a dozen times in the chest?"

"Oh I guess I forgot to tell you that you can freeze time by talking on this thing. The only thing that doesn't freeze are your thoughts and breathing,".

"Huh, that's pretty neat,".

"It is isn't it? See ya later Snake,".

Snake cut the transmission and looked out around the tree. Ocelot had just finished reloading, so he jumped out of his hiding spot and fired two rounds at the horrid gunslinger. Both of the bullets missed the man in the beret so he tried to taunt Snake by twirling his gun yet again. However it ended in the same fashion as it had earlier. So as Ocelot screamed profanity, that was so vulgar that the author dare not to type it, at his gun; Snake walked up and slammed his fist into Ocelot's jaw which consequently knocked him out cold.

* * *

Yay part 3 is done. Eventually I will update this. I don't have a reliable internet source at the moment.


	4. Food

This is part four of the Metal Gear Stupid movie script. I received a small PM regarding Ocelot's attire in the last chapter. To be specific he is supposed to be wearing his outfit from MGS3. The reason we made this decision is that to be honest none of my friends nor I know anyone who looks like a mix between Colonel Sanders and Clint Eastwood, and I'm supposed to be Ocelot in the movie.

* * *

Snake looked down at the man on the ground. "Poor bastard," he thought aloud, "ah well. I'm getting kinda hungry,".

So the black ops soldier wandered back to the base's kitchen before remembering everything he had heard about the burrito's being tainted with laxatives, "DAMN!" Snake proceeded to curse as he walked around the pantry looking for anything edible.

As he searched the head chef walked in, "Hey-a yous! Just-a what-a do ya think-a you're-a doing?

"_BANG"_

_pause  
__  
_"_BANG"  
"BANG"_

After hiding the chef's body inside a cupboard, Dave waltzed back outside to continue his search for food. However upon finding nothing he went and sat under a tree, and started thinking about using his soliton radar to pinpoint the location of the nearest McDonalds. Suddenly he got a call from Campbell:

"Snake," began the old man, "you look famished. You should eat something,".

"Really?" Snake retorted with immense sarcasm, "I never would've guessed,".

"Yeah," the colonel continued, oblivious to the fact that Snake was getting even more pissed off. " Why not go find a ration or two?"

"Because some Liquid guy and that Ocelot dude ate them all,".

"Well that sucks doesn't it. I mean if you were here you could have a slice of pizza or two!"

"WHAT?!"

"Yep, I sent Mei Ling to go get some chips and soda, Nastasha should be coming back with some subs, Naomi just finished hooking up a TV set, and the Domino's delivery guy was here a second ago with our pizza…this is so cool isn't it?"

Snake sat there dumbstruck for a second, and when he didn't answer Campbell did what he always does:

"Snake…Snake what's wrong?!…SNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAKKKKKE!!!"

"Colonel... please shut the hell up. You dirty old pervert,".

"Pervert?," Campbell repeated, "how do you figure?"

"You're locked up in a room with three women, one of whom is probably barely legal. Need I say more?"

_Silence_

"I thought so,".

Campbell cut the transmission.

"_I'm so gonna kick his ass,"_ Snake thought.


End file.
